I really don’t know how to start this blog post guys. I have sat here trying to come up with some
cute analogy for the past 15 minutes
or so. And… nada. So is it okay if I just lay it out for
you? As real and convicting as God laid
it out for me? Go with me on this. Nothing fancy, just real truth.
So I’m driving along one day, and as always, my mind is going
a million different directions. Am I the
only one who can start out thinking about what is for lunch and end up
wondering how your great aunt living in Texas is doing? (Okay, I don’t really have a great aunt in
Texas, but you get the point) So, I
start thinking about all the things that have happened over the past few years,
even in the past year alone. So many
things have changed.
Anyone else ever just get fed up with change? There are some people in this world who
thrive on change, but I am not one of them.
Change messes with me. It takes
me so long to adjust it seems. So much
so, that I start to think I’ll never get over it. I recently listened to a sermon entitled Move On. The pastor used a great analogy (what do you
know, I did get an analogy in here J) He told a story about one of his many trips
to the airport. His flight had been
delayed, and all of the passengers had been waiting for over 3 hours. Just as he was about to run out of time to
make it to his speaking engagement that night, he looked over and saw a plane
at the very next gate, going to the exact place he needed to be. He ran over and secured a seat. The flight attendant told him that she had a
few more seats, so he yells out to the passengers stuck at the other gate “There
are open seats on this plane, going exactly where you want to go!” And no one moved. His point was not to stay stuck at gate E3
when the plane at E4 is going exactly where you need to be.
The sermon intrigued me.
I had been through so much change and I have had such a hard time moving
on. Is it really that simple? Choosing to get up and go to the next
gate? If it was that simple, why was I
still struggling with it? And the
convicting words of the Lord gripped me, you
really don’t believe that it’s possible.
And I didn’t. I didn’t
think it was possible for my heart to heal, possible for me to move on. And I’m stuck at E3. I get stuck, normally, in two different
patterns of thinking. One: My past mistakes. I think “after all I have done, there is
no way it can get any better, there is just no way. I’m stuck being this way forever.” Two: My
past seasons. God has called me out
of a season that I loved, and I think “well, that’s it then, there’s no way it
can be better than that. I’m just stuck
being miserable for the rest of my life, because it cannot be better than the
way it was.”
And in the midst of my brokenness, I cry out to Jesus, “Heal
my heart!”
… but I am still
broken.
Why? My already
confused mind races. I thought Jesus could
heal me? Why am I still broken? To be honest with you guys, this is the time
when my mask comes on. What I feel
does not match up with what I’m supposed to be like, so I hide it. No one can see it, no one. Nobody can know that I’m broken. While the mask fools a broken world into
thinking that I’m perfect, inside I’m screaming, just as broken as them.
I shout to the
heavens, “Jesus, why won’t You heal me?!?”
When all the while, I really don’t believe that He can.
Healing is always a process.
It’s slow and, sometimes, progress seems to come to a screeching
halt. But it begins with belief. It begins with the cutting away of pretenses
and pretending. It begins when we stop
spewing the words we know we are supposed to say, and start being real. It begins with our honest cry to God, “Lord,
I am hurting right now. And even though I
don’t really see how You can, I know You are my Healer. So Father, come, heal me. I believe You will.”
“’ [Jesus] have mercy on us and help us, if you can.’ ‘What do you mean, ‘if I can?’’ Jesus asked. ‘Anything
is possible if a person believes.’ The
father instantly cried out, ‘I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!’” Mark 9:22b-24
