Transparent

I don’t know how many times I have had someone say this to me, “If I had had a faith like you do at your age…”  Insert a phrase about how much closer to God that person would be or how much stronger in their faith they would be at this point.  So many times I hear this said to me and I think “Is this compliment really warranted?”  Do I really deserve a compliment like that?  I’m not some Kim Walker or Misty Edwards.  I’m not a Tim Tebow or a Derek Prince.  I’m just a 17 year-old girl from a little town no one has heard of where your teachers had your parents in school and you can’t go into the local grocery store without stopping to talk to at least 5 people that you know.  I have no public stage to proclaim the gospel from (I actually HATE speaking in front of people).  Yet, people look at me and they say that I’m this amazing person.  (I know in my heart that God has put me where He has for a reason and that He is using me right where I am.  But this is just how I feel sometimes.  God is working on my insecurity in this area.  And I promise, this is not just a "poor me" thing.  Keep reading)  And sometimes, that’s a hard thing to live up to.  Don’t get me wrong, I love getting encouragement from people who love me.  It lifts my spirit to hear that these people that I look up to think that I am worthy of the compliments that they give me.  When someone says something like what is written in the first line of this blog to me, it reminds me that I truly am following the Lord and that I am good enough for Him.  He uses these people's encouraging words to draw me closer to His heart.  But because I am a committed Christian, especially in high school, I set a very high standard for myself.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm not who I say that I am, so I am constantly trying to reach this standard that I have set for myself. You, see, I am so scared that one day I’m going to wake up and find that I have screwed my life up completely and there will be no one to blame but me.  I’m terrified that I’m not what everyone thinks that I am.  That I’m going to mess up majorly and then everyone will look at me and wonder what they were ever thinking telling me the stuff that they did.  So often I wonder what everyone would say if they saw all of my weaknesses.  And, honestly, I am so scared to find that out.  Because what if my worst fears come true, and when everyone sees my weakness they wonder why on earth they thought I was such a great Christian.  And so begins my pattern.  Striving.  Constantly putting up the perfect front.  Never letting anyone see the weaknesses that lie behind the outer strength.  Keeping the weak points carefully hidden so that no one will ever see them.  Worrying that one day the weaknesses will find their way through the maze and emerge in my life and nothing will ever be the same again.  Wondering if I will be good enough, if I will measure up. 

But I decided tonight that I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t keep this front up.  I can’t pretend that I’ve got it all together all the time anymore.  Because it’s killing me from the inside out.   

I am not perfect.  I can’t remember how many times I have told people that.  And yet, I act like I am.  What comes out of my mouth and how I act are not lining up here.  I say that I struggle and that I’m not perfect, but do I ever let anyone see it?   No.  All they see is the front.  The good, Christian girl who doesn’t get into trouble and has unwavering faith.  They don’t know that I doubt, that I sometimes want my dreams over God’s, that I worry almost constantly, that I am not as strong as I sometimes seem to be. 

That I struggle just like they do.

You see, God has shown me something that I never thought about before.  That putting up my perfect front, trying to be the perfect Christian so that I measure up, is hindering my witness.  Because who wants to open up to a perfect person?  Who on earth would think that because a perfect person can do it I can too?  When all people see is my strong front, they will never see that what I have they can have for themselves. 

Because all they will be seeing is me.

Me, my strength, my deeds, my acts, and never God’s.  But, if I let the walls fall, if I let my guard down and let people see the real me, they will be able to see God.  Because if they see the real me, the one who struggles and fails just like they do, they will know that it is not my own power that has done this thing, but God’s power.  2 Corinthians 12:10 says this, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  When I am weak, when there is no possible way that I can do it on my own, then HIS strength is able to shine through me.  Don’t take this the wrong way, I am not telling you to go out and sin so that people can relate to you.  That is definitely not okay!  Romans 6:1-2 says this, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?  By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?”

What I am saying is this.  What would happen if we allowed people to see who we truly are?  What if we opened up and became real with people, letting them see that we truly are not perfect?  What if we allowed our weaknesses to show so that God’s power might shine brighter than ever before? 

Revelation 12:11 says this, “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”

Jesus’ blood makes our lives with Him possible.  Without it, we have nothing at all.  We overcome everything by the blood of the Lamb.  But we also overcome with the word of our testimony.  Why?  Because when our testimony is shared, when we let our struggles and failings become exposed, God’s power behind our lives is revealed.  When we allow people to see our shortcomings, they realize that we couldn’t have possibly done this on our own.  We couldn’t have gotten here on our own strength, we needed Someone greater.  We are leaning on Someone else for our strength because we couldn't possibly muster this strength on our own.  And maybe they will realize that the One who did it for us can do it for them too.  In the verse, it says that they did not love their lives so much as to shrink back from death.  We need to be willing to lay down our reputations and fears so that the lost might be reached.  We need to see that our lives here are fleeting and that we’re living for eternity.   I need to die to myself and my fears so that Christ might shine in my weakness.  I need to let my guard down so that others can see that God is the one who did this in my life, not me.

So, be real.  Be open.  Be the person God has made you to be.  Be unguarded.  Be the true you.

Be transparent.

Love Notes

Did anyone else’s heart just melt?  I stumbled upon this beautiful note the other morning when I was getting ready for the day.  I found it hanging from my mom’s bathroom mirror.  My dad had put it there the night before after my mom had gone to sleep, so that when she woke up in the morning she would find it hanging there.  Is that sweet or what?!?  And this is not the first occurrence.  I have seen upwards of 10 notes like this one stuck to my mom’s mirror.  He began writing these when mom was preparing for a Walk to Emmaus where she was to be the lay director.  Mom had so much on her plate at this time.  She was working so hard as lay director, along with the household chores that she did, still taking care of me and my brother and sister, helping dad with the family business, among other things.  She loved every minute of it, but I can imagine it began to wear her out after a while.  It was at that time that these notes began to appear on her mirror.  Just small notes of encouragement from dad to help her keep going.  She left the notes up there for the entire duration of her time preparing for the walk.  By the time of the weekend, there were probably 6-7 notes lining the mirror.  It was one of the sweetest things I had ever seen.  When I asked mom about it, she simply said, “He has always been a romantic.” 

When I found this the other morning, I just thought about how caring it was and how this was what every woman longs for.  To be cherished, appreciated, thought of as beautiful.  As I was dreaming about this, God whispered in my heart.

I write you love notes every day.

Love notes from God.  Does that really happen?  Does the Creator of the Universe write me love notes?  Every day? 

YES!!

In the breathtaking sunrise, that He created many beautiful things, but that I am more beautiful to Him than any sunrise.  In the smile of a friend, that He has lavished good things on me because I am cherished by Him.  In an encouraging word, that He sees me and what I am doing and that I am appreciated.  In the smile of a little girl (like Tabby Alexander), that He is a God who cares, loves, and gives joy.  In an answered prayer, that He is always there for me.  In a needed confirmation, that He is lovingly leading me.  In a difficult situation, that He loves me enough to cut away the things that would hinder me.  In a time of feeling alone, that He is my treasure, the lover of my soul, everything that I need.  In the quiet of my room after a long day, that He is peace, beautiful peace.

And often, like my dad, God writes these love notes when we are down, frustrated, hurting, confused, stressed, and worn out.  When we just don’t think we can go on anymore, God writes us a small note, just the littlest thing, and it lifts our spirits.  A note just to say,

I love you.  You are beautiful, cherished, appreciated, and adored.  You can do this.  Because I live in you and you in Me, you can do anything!

God does this because of His love for you and me.  He has always been a romantic.  He writes us the most amazing love notes from a God that loves us more than we can ever imagine!  The only thing I wonder is…

How often do I miss them? 

Imagine that someone did something for you just because they can.  They put so much thought into this thing.  They made your favorite dinner (even though they had to go back to the store twice when they ran out of ingredients because they burnt the first 3 batches).  They wrote you a note and left you a rose on your bed because they knew you were having a bad day.  They went out of their way to show their love and just can’t wait until you find that special thing that they have for you.  And then, you walk into the kitchen, look at the food, and go off to your room to get some work done.  You walk into your room, see the rose, carelessly toss it on the floor and sprawl out to watch some TV.

I know that most of you are sitting here thinking, there is no way I would ever do that!  I hope I don’t ever do that!  I want to be appreciative of what people do for me, especially when I get married someday and the person doing something for me is my husband.  I want to see when someone shows me love.  I don’t want to just brush their love aside.  But the truth is,

I do that all the time!

I am unappreciative, ungrateful, and downright mean sometimes.  Because I miss the love notes.  God’s love notes.  He thinks up this amazing way to show His love for me, puts it in front of me, and I keep walking.  I don’t see it.  I’m so preoccupied with my life and my troubles that I miss it, that thoughtful little thing that was put there by God to encourage and lift me up.  I walk around, dissatisfied with my life as it is, when the Creator of the Universe is telling me of His great love all the while.  Shouldn’t His love be enough for me?  The truth is that His love is enough, but most of the time I don’t act like it. 

Here is the amazing part.  Even though I act like this, He continues to write more notes.  Notes of His love, faithfulness, mercy, grace, everything He is and everything He feels about me.  And this in itself is another love note.  In His persistence, that He is my Faithful Friend and showers mercy over me. 

What will He write next?

I’m not sure, but I am looking for it.  And I can’t wait to read it.